back porch looking in
discount tiki torches with no fuel
leaning against an unsteady railing that was never repaired
string lights hung over a chipped rain gutter
4 bulbs missing, some shattered, some lost
an old beach towel flung over the rail
spots of ash visible, still wet from the rain
a table barely big enough for my laptop to sit on
but the chairs that go with it sit perfectly
an unusually narrow red door
that only closes completely with the force of my entire body weight
bug screens bent out of shape
pine straw and leaves litter dry rotted wood planks
tree limbs hang a little too close
and the street noise can be heard at all hours
i used to sit out there every night
rain or shine
without fail
i would be out there
listening to music
writing
okay, fine.
i went out there to smoke
and the first couple months after we moved in
i was always alone
always
which didn’t bother me at first
but eventually i got lost inside my own head
Kate started sitting out there with me about a month ago
to keep me company
she doesn’t even like to smoke
that’s why she didn’t come out before
i have been told before that i worry people
and i think she knows i get lonely
i never said it out loud
but i’m sure she could tell
anyone could
one time she told me
she didn’t even care about the stupid shit
she just did it
because she wanted to spend time with me
i cried myself to sleep that night
because i realized
that while all i could think about was getting high
i never even saw
that i was putting her
the roommate that loved me
in danger of becoming the same thing that i was
we don’t sit out there much anymore
i gave up smoking
and drinking
and all the other stuff i tried to hide
Kate helped me
she asked me
“what are you really losing?”
but i still kind of miss
the times i would sit out there
sure, i was lonely
and depressed to say the least
but i was finding myself
my way
was it the right way?
i still don’t have an answer for that
but somewhere between
all the missed turns
and stop signs ran
i finally stumbled upon a piece of myself
though i still haven’t found myself completely
at least i finally have somewhere to start
sitting on that porch
looked like a waste of time
to everyone, including myself at the time
but i got something out of it
something you can’t buy with money
so, when i invite people over
and they laugh
at how trashy my little apartment is
i just laugh along with them
because sitting on that porch
was where i decided that i was going to be somebody
somebody who didn’t throw their life away
i decided i wanted to be a writer
and that was a decision
that saved my life.
