grapes of wrath

I never found that grapes of wrath book 

it had a sheet of phone numbers in it 

numbers of women  

of all different ages (and problems) 

I will never forget Nicole  

she was Italian  

and a Catholic 

I said to her one day, 

after one of her crazy rants, 

“Catholic, huh?” 

she looked me dead in the eyes and said, 

“Hell yeah I am, how’d you know?” 

(which was kinda funny 

because she was in there 

for something a good catholic 

wouldn’t do) 

I told her I was raised by Baptists 

and it was just a wild guess 

I also told her 

it never really felt like home to me 

the Baptist church 

she told me 

when we got out 

she would take me to her church, the ‘real’ church 

I just laughed 

but, I wrote down her number 

and stuck it in the book 

there was another woman 

I can’t remember her name now 

she stuttered so bad when she was nervous 

sometimes I held her hand while she talked 

just so she could get the words out 

but she braided hair 

so well, that she had her own chair 

at a real salon 

she was braiding my hair one night 

because I had to do something with it 

I hadn’t worn my hair natural since I was a kid 

she told me  

when we got out 

to come to her shop 

and she would braid my hair 10 times better than this 

so, I wrote down her number 

and I stuck it in the book  

I do remember Jada 

she had just had a baby 

she was so loud and funny 

it took me a while 

to figure out why she was in there 

why she wouldn’t be at home with her baby 

she was in the military before she got married 

and she liked to work out  

like me 

we found a nasty old yoga mat 

I held her feet while she did sit ups 

and she held mine 

after that first workout  

she told me 

when we got out 

we were going to go to the gym together 

be each other’s support system 

so, I wrote down her number 

and stuck it in the book 

I remember the day I started reading that book 

sitting on a cold floor, bored out of my mind 

I was next to Maggie 

we were both the youngest 

so, we both got kicked off the couch 

we stuck together the entire time 

laughing at Nicole’s craziness 

bumming cigarettes off of Sarah 

stealing extra snacks when no one was looking 

we were both still living at home with our moms 

and we both needed to get out 

I told her I was looking for a roommate 

she told me  

when we got out 

we would get a place together 

and get clean together 

so, I wrote down her number 

and I stuck it in the book 

there was also another sheet of phone numbers in that book 

my mom’s  

my best friend’s 

our old landline 

all the ones I knew by heart 

I knew my dad’s, but I saw no reason to write it down 

I kept it all in that book my mom brought 

it was like a third arm while I was there 

it never left my sight 

even as I was leaving, 

I kept it in my hand as a handed my brown paper sack of belongings to my brother 

I didn’t want to somehow forget it 

it sat in my lap the whole ride home 

I even opened it up as we pulled out of the parking lot 

to make sure all the numbers were there 

but I lost that book 

after a few days back home 

maybe it was weeks 

I couldn’t find it 

my mom sent me to look for the billing statement 

and I knew I put it in there 

I put everything in there. 

that was a while ago 

feels like a lifetime 

I have moved out now 

and I have a whole shelf of books 

in my tiny little apartment room 

so many I have not read yet 

but all I can think about 

almost 9 months later 

staring at my shelf 

trying to find a book to read 

is finding those numbers 

and finishing that book